Supporting someone bereaved by suicide

Vai kau’aki. Waters of consolation.

Losing a loved one to suicide is incredibly hard. Because it’s so hard people can feel unsure about what to say or do.

Suicide can be very hard to talk about openly. People can feel scared or uncertain how to provide support. People may say things without thinking as they try to make sense of what has happened.

Shame or embarrassment might prevent people who have lost loved ones to suicide from reaching out for help. But they need to know that they don’t have to do it all alone. They need to know that the death was not their fault, that no one is to blame and that people care about them.

Here are some ways you can help.

Be there

Be available, visible and supportive. This support is particularly important from family, community and spiritual leaders.

Unconditional support

Try not to stigmatise suicide by shaming and blaming people. Try not to judge. It isn’t helpful to gossip about the person who has died or the family affected. This is an important time to practice unconditional love. Let them know they are loved and cared for. Creating stigma and drama doesn’t help healing. High stigma also means that people thinking of taking their own life may be too ashamed to admit it or to seek help. Affirm that no-one is to blame and address issues of guilt and responsibility.

Reach out to people bereaved by suicide

They need to know they don’t have to go through it alone. People offering support might feel overwhelmed as well. Offer a shoulder to lean on. This is the time to show up, take them food and offer to help.

Ask

Ask people how they are going and remember to do this with children too. Ask in age-appropriate ways.

Talk

Talk about the loss to give other people permission to do that too. Talk to children and close family members early on so they don’t hear about it second-hand. Skylight has helpful guidelines and resources about how to talk with children and young people.

Listen patiently

Be ready to talk about the loss many times. People will be processing what happened and trying to make sense of it.

Give them time with their grief

People grieve differently and experience many emotions: shock, denial, numbness, disbelief, stress, shame, anger, despair and overwhelming sadness. This is all normal. Make sure you take some time and space to care for yourself as well as others. People grieve for as long as they need to and often experience painful reminders and setbacks. Sometimes shock and numbness means that grief reactions take a while to be felt. Helpful information about grieving for children, young people and family can be found on the Skylight website.

Assist

Help them with maintaining normal routines, check on eating and sleeping patterns.

Know the warning signs

After a suicide, there’s a heightened risk of suicide from those impacted by the grief of the death. Know which groups of people are particularly at risk.

Seek professional help

Ensure people get all the help and support they need from professionals. Ensure you also have support. If you are the main support person, it might help if you let the person know you’re getting support too, so they don’t worry about the stress you might be under.

Download our factsheet about grieving (PDF, 360KB) which includes information about what grief is, what it looks like, practical advice for coping with grief and where to get help when grief doesn’t go away.